Column Resolutions

This column originally appeared in The Canberra Times on 10 December 2007.


With the year winding down, it’s time that this column made a few new year’s resolutions. Firstly, that photo. I’m not so pleased with it, mainly because it makes me look like a bit nerdy. Australians treat nerds very badly. They beat them up at school, call them names like “Brainypants” and “Geekazoid”, and on extreme occasions, elect them Prime Minister.

So of course, I’d hate to look nerdy. Maybe it’s that forced smile, or that dumb expression, or possibly the selection of comic books in background. (Nah, it wouldn’t be the comics. I’m just being paranoid.) For the record, I don’t really wallpaper my office with comics. That look was achieved through the wonders of Photoshop. I just brought in some of my meagre collection (which were purchased, naturally, for reasons of societal research and artistic review – and if you don’t believe me, ask the Tax Office). These were lined up on the floor, and one of the Canberra Times’ intrepid photographers snapped it. She then took several photos of me, and merged the one that looked the most appropriate.

Of course, that wasn’t the one that looked the best. Usually in photos, I look very suave and super-cool. Ditto with most Canberra Times columnists. (We’re not like those people they have over at the Australian. Hideous!) Of course, the photographers know that the more attractive we are, the less credibility we have, so they choose the worst photos they can find.

Actually, this photo is an improvement over the one that found its way to the back of one of my books a couple of years ago. At the last minute, I was reminded that I was supposed to provide a photo. Not happy with any of the old ones, I rushed to a photo lab and asked for a few passport photos. Strangely, my passport photos have generally been OK (or at least, not much worse than any of my other photos), so I thought it would be fine. The result: possibly the worst cover photo of any author in history, with the exception of Stephen King (who, frankly, can’t help it).

So perhaps there are more important concerns than the column photo. For starters, I shouldn’t give exposure to anyone who really doesn’t need it. From now on, I will avoid mentioning the following people (unless it’s really necessary): Kylie Minogue, Paris Hilton, Vasco Da Gama, Napoleon III, the woman who invented the parking meter in 1935, Mozart, and John Howard.

Finally, I need to decide in which direction this column leans. This isn’t a political column, but I notice that I have mentioned politics occasionally. So the question is: am I left or right? Hopefully I’m right. Most people hope that they’re right. Besides, I don’t want to add to the left-wing bias that has infiltrated the once-great nation (or so I keep reading).

Many political commentators know where they stand, as do their readers. In fact, I’m not sure why anyone need to read them. We already know their opinions on practically everything. Still, these people have a following, mainly of people who simply wish to say “Attaboy! Tell them what it’s like!” With this in mind, I’m going to check if I’m a leftie, by seeing if I fit any of the descriptions that right-wing commentators throw at people with slightly left-of-right-wing ideas.

Leftie: Well, I’m left-handed, if that’s what you mean. So is Judy Davis, who is famously left-wing. But then, so was Ronald Reagan. Please explain.

Socialist: No. Yes! Maybe. I’m not sure what “socialism” means nowadays, except that it’s evil. I haven’t dedicated my life to saving kittens, but I don’t think that "evil" describes me. I’ll go with “no”.

Latte-sipper: Damn, I’ve been found out! Yes, I had a latte earlier today (with soy, no less). How my taste palates could be influenced by my political beliefs, I’m not certain. Are you telling me that Alexander Downer would never have these things? (The same goes for chardonnay.)

Elitist: According to my Collins dictionary, elitism is “the belief that society should be governed by a small group of people who are superior to everyone else.” Nobody in the Liberal Party, then. Me neither.

The Chattering Classes: Huh? Sorry, this one simply doesn’t make sense.

Howard Hater: This is unfair, because there’s no equivalent for critics of the current government. “Rudd renouncer”? “Rudd raver”? No, none of them convey the same degree of pathological bitterness as the word “hate”. (“Rudd rudder”?) All I can say is, “I don’t hate John Howard. I just want him to leave the leave the country and never come back.”

Bush Basher: Unfortunately, I’ve never been close enough. (On second thought, forget the “unfortunately” bit. If I were within two miles of that bozo, I’d take a long shower in disinfectant.)

So the good news is that, despite my lattes, I’m not contributing to the nation’s “left-wing bias”. No resolution necessary. Instead, comrades, let us celebrate 2008 in our new socialist utopia! Pass the chardonnay! (Or the vodka. Same thing.)